Reporters interviewing a 104 year old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure.” The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

'98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home is it?” I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had two by-pass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.. Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir,” replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”

“You’re darn right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

Bill, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful appeal and outright charm while hanging over Bill’s arm and listening intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, “Bill, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”

They’re knocked over but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”

Bill says, “I lied about my age.” His friends respond, “What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”