After the examination, the doctor informed his patient that he was suffering from gout and rheumatism.

“Well, doc, what’s the difference between them,” asked the patient.

“Just this,” replied the doc. “Put your thumb in a vise and screw the vise so tight you can’t endure it. That’s rheumatism. Then give the vise one more turn. That’s gout.”

Two jokesters were sitting at the bar, and as the evening wore on, they became mighty plastered. One turned to the other and said: “Shay, I gotta riddle for you. My face ish like Hedy Lamarr’s, my torso’s like Mariyn Monroe’s, and Legsh’r like Marlene Dietrich’s. Who am I?”

Replied his drinking pal, “I don’t give a damn who you are - kiss me!”

“My wife,” said Luke to his psychiatrist, “has developed an inferiority complex. How can I keep her that way?”

So you think it’s cold where you are? Maybe so. But I got a New Year’s Day card from my Uncle Jeff (From Oklahoma) the other day - and his tongue was still on it.