My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

My father taught me about time travel: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me logic: If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My father taught me more logic: “Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me foresight: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

My father taught me irony: “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”