* In this Humorous Prose, “Donald Trump Vs. the Lawn Flamingos” by Braxton Anderson, Trump proves once again that no crisis is too small to inflate into a personal epic and no golf cart is too golden to weaponize.

Tucker Carlson: “Welcome to Channel 47 News, I’m Tucker Carlson. Tonight’s top story is about an invasion at the Mar-a-Lago Golf Course. Ned is our special guest who will fill you in with all of the details. Ned, what have you got for us?”

Ned: (starts singing California Girls while texting).

“California girls were unforgettable.”

Tucker Carlson: “Ned.”

Ned: “Daisy Dukes bikinis on top.”

Tucker Carlson: “Ned.”

Ned: “Sun kissed skin so hot it’ll melt your popsicle.”

Tucker Carlson: (yells) NED!”

Ned: (crouches down holding a microphone). “OH!

Sorry Tucker! It began, as most great crises in Donald Trump’s life did, with a misunderstanding. Donald came out to the middle of Mar-a-Lago’s west lawn, in his signature red tie that seemed to get longer with each passing year. He was inspecting the newest additions to Mar-a-Lago: fifty-eight bright pink lawn flamingos that Melania had ordered as a “modern art installation.”

Donald: “Modern art, these flamingos are tacky.

Terrible flamingos. I mean, look at them! They’re not even real flamingos. I know real flamingos. I’ve met them. In Florida. Tremendous birds. Tremendous.

These are just sad.”

Ned: Melania was reclining in a chaise lounge with sunglasses bigger than her forehead. She didn’t bother looking up.

Melania: “They are supposed to be fake, Donald.

They are decorations.”

Donald: “Wrong! This one looks too smug. Look at its little smirk. It’s disrespectful, quite frankly and I don’t like it. This one. This one’s plotting something.

Something tremendous. Tremendous instincts I tell you. Nobody has better instincts than me.”

Melania: “Donald, it is a plastic bird. Please. Go play golf or tweet about something.”

Ned: “But Donald wasn’t convinced. No, he saw something sinister in those flamingos—something conspiratorial.”

Donald: “You think this is an accident? You think fifty-eight bright pink lawn flamingos just showed

cont. PAGE 12: Speech up, uninvited, to Mar-a-Lago? I don’t think so. This is sabotage. A coup! Probably funded by George Soros. Or China. Or Oprah. Or China. Probably….China.”

Ned: “By lunchtime, the situation had escalated. Donald had barricaded himself inside of his golden golf cart. He was driving in circles shouting out of a megaphone he found in the pro shops.

Donald: (Makes feedback sound) “I know what you’re doing! You’re spies. Flamingo spies! You’re working for the deep state, aren’t you? Sad, pathetic. But you’re not fooling me!”

Ned: “At this point Don Jr. and Eric arrived at the scene. Eric was eating a half eaten hot dog because, well, it was lunchtime.”

Eric: “Are they, like, alive? Or robots? Dad said Bill Gates is putting robots everywhere now. Even in toasters.” Eric (scratches his head) “No, that can’t be right.”

Donald: “Fake news! Fake news they are robots. Look at their little legs! Too skinny. Nobody has legs like that. Except Ivanka, maybe.”

Ned: “At this point, Rudy Giuliani arrived, for no apparent reason other than that Rudy always showed up when things were going wrong.”

Rudy: “Hey Don, I’ve got a theory. “It’s the Dominion Voting Systems. They’re trying to mess with your golf scores. I read about it online.”

Donald: “Exactly! This is the kind of thinking we need. Investigative! Smart! A little sweaty, but smart nonetheless.”

Ned: as the afternoon wore on, Trump decided to take action.”

Donald: “We’re gonna build a wall, a big wall, a huge wall, a wall like nobody has ever seen before. You know, the Great Wall of China can be seen from space, but the Great Wall of Trump will be able to be seen from another galaxy entirely. It’s going to be huge and we’re going to make the flamingos pay for it. They don’t have wallets, but I’ll figure it out. I’m great at figuring things out, tremendous really.”

Ned: “The wall turned out to be a circle of folding chairs borrowed from the clubhouse. Trump supervised the construction personally, directing Eric and Don Jr. like a general at war.”

Donald: “Move that chair! No, not there. There! Use your brain, Eric. If you have one.”

Ned: “By sundown, the “wall” was finished and Trump stood back to admire his work. Folks, this is what leadership looks like, they said it couldn’t be done. They said I was crazy. But look at this wall. It’s the best wall. Nobody builds walls better than me. You know, I got done, I stepped back, I looked around and I said wow this is a beautiful wall. The flamingos are trapped. Game over.” (Does Donald Trump dance).

Ned: “But just as he finished his victory speech, a strong gust of wind blew across Mar-a-Lago. The folding chairs toppled like dominoes, and the flamingos— still plastic, still very much unalive—stood unfazed.”

Donald: “This was rigged! The wind is in on it. It’s collusion! Total collusion. Probably from the liberal weather channels. You know they hate me.”

Ned: “At that moment, Melania appeared beside him, “Are you done Donald?”

Donald: “Done? I’m just getting started. These flamingos think they can outsmart me? Wrong! I’m the smartest. Smarter than birds. Smarter than wind. Smarter than—” Ned: “But before he could finish, one of the gardeners quietly picked up a flamingo, placed it on a golf cart, and drove away.” (Make car noise) Trump: “Did that flamingo just leave on its own? I knew it. I knew it. They’re alive. I’m a genius.”

Ned: “and with that, the sun set on Mar-a-Lago, and the flamingos stood their ground, as plastic flamingos do. Donald was undeterred and climbed back into his golden golf cart.”

Donald: “Tomorrow,” we’re sending them back to where they came from. Canada, probably. Or Mexico. Definitely Mexico.”

Ned: “Well Tucker, it seems as the President has figured out what he will do with all of the invading flamingos. He said “Donald: we’re going to have the largest deportation operation Mar-a-Lago has ever seen. It will be spectacular. We’re going to send these pink imposters back to where they came from.”

Ned: “This is Ned, signing off.” Tucker: “Thank you, Ned. Well, it seems that the President has figured out what he will do with all of the “invading” flamingos, but tune in tomorrow night for your weekly update on the war between Israel and Palastine and tomorrow night’s special episode “How Trump intends to stop it.” I’m Tucker Carlson, Good News and Good night.”