Editor’s Note: The following script was written by Callaway student Braxton Anderson for a speech performance. This serves as fulfillment of the requirement of a published work.

Customer: “Alright let's do this, (tries to turn on laptop) Oh no my laptop isn’t turning on and I have an important zoom call I have to get on in 30 minutes!!! Oh I know! I’ll call tech support!”

Elevator Music Plays: Automated voice: “You are caller number one!” Customer: “Hello? Hello? Is this tech support? My laptop won’t turn on at all. It’s completely dead.”

Ravi: “Yes yes, hello sir/madam! This is Ravi from GlobalTech Solutions. How may I assist you today? Please tell me your issue in detail. Very important to tell in detail.”

Have you ever had an issue with your computer not turning on? Maybe your phone kept shutting off. Or maybe your TV had grainy pixels all over the screen. If so, you’ve experienced the nightmarish world of tech support. (To the Ghostbusters theme) If there’s something wrong with your motherboard, who you gonna call? Tech Support by Braxton Anderson Customer: “Okay, Ravi. My laptop is dead. No lights, no fan noise, no screen flicker, nothing happens when I press the power button. I’ve had it plugged in for hours.”

Ravi: “Very good, sir. First thing first. Is your laptop plugged into the wall socket? Please confirm.”

Customer: “Yes, it’s plugged in.” Ravi: “Excellent. Now please confirm again: is your laptop plugged into the wall socket?”

Customer: “…Yes, Ravi. Still plugged in.” Ravi: “Good good. Now second confirmation: is the charger cable fully inserted into the laptop port? Fully fully?”

Customer: “Yes, fully inserted. I checked twice.” Ravi: “Twice is good, but three times is better. Please check a third time and tell me.”

Customer: “It’s in. Fully.” Ravi: “Perfect! We are making progress. Now kindly press the power button for a full 10 seconds. Count slowly: one thousand one, one thousand two…” Customer: “Pressing… holding… 10 seconds. Nothing.”

Ravi: “Hmm. Very strange. Please now remove the charger from the wall socket. Remove it now.”

Customer: “Removed.” Ravi: “Good. Now wait 30 seconds. Thirty full seconds. Not 29. Not 31. Exactly 30.”

Customer: “Waiting… okay, 30 seconds.”

Ravi: “No no no! Wait wait! I said 30 seconds, but now science says we must wait 60 seconds for full power cycle reset. Sixty seconds please.”

Customer: “You just said 30.” Ravi: “Yes, but that was before I remembered the full cycle. Sixty seconds is correct. Please wait 60 seconds.”

Customer: “Fine. Waiting 60 seconds.” Ravi: “Excellent patience, sir. You are a model customer. Very good. Now, after 60 seconds, plug charger back into wall socket.”

Customer: “Plugged back in.” Ravi: “Now press power button again for 10 seconds. Count slowly again.”

Customer: “Pressing… holding… still nothing.” Ravi: “Hmm hmm hmm. This is classic no-light syndrome. Very common. Very common indeed. Now, please turn laptop upside down and shake gently. Gently like baby.”

Customer: “Shake my laptop?” Ravi: “Yes yes, gently shake. Like magic eight ball. Shake shake shake. Electrons get stuck sometimes. Shake helps.”

Customer: “I’m shaking it gently. Nothing.” Ravi: “No no, harder shake please. Like angry maraca. Shake shake shake!”

Customer: “I’m not shaking it harder. I’ll break something.”

Ravi: “Warranty covers moderate shaking. Moderate to vigorous shaking. Please shake harder. Shake shake shake.”

Customer: “Still nothing.” Ravi: “Okay okay. Next step: open laptop lid and blow air into keyboard. Very forcefully. Like hurricane.”

Customer: “Why blowing?” Ravi: “Dust blocks power signal. Famous Indian technique. Hurricane Keyboard. My uncle in Bangalore invented. Blow blow blow.”

Customer: “(blowing sounds) Okay, blew really hard. Still dead.”

Ravi: “Very good lung capacity! Now repeat blowing. Blow again. Blow blow blow.”

Customer: “Blowing again… nothing.” Ravi: “Hmm. Very stubborn laptop. Now we do freezer method. Very popular. Put laptop in freezer for 15 minutes.”

Customer: “The freezer? You’re serious?” Ravi: “Yes yes, freezer resets thermal capacitor. Many customers say ‘Ravi saved my laptop with freezer!’ Five-star review. Put in freezer now.”

Customer: “It’s in the freezer. I feel ridiculous.” Ravi: “No no, you feel smart. Smart customer. Now wait 15 minutes. Fifteen full minutes. Not 14. Not 16.”

Customer: “Waiting…” Ravi: “While waiting, please tell me: did you spill any liquid recently?”

Customer: “…Maybe a little coffee last week. Tiny splash.”

Ravi: “Ah-ha! Coffee! Coffee is number one enemy! Coffee is like ex-girlfriend—looks nice, destroys everything inside. Coffee corrosion. Very bad.”

Customer: “It was small.” Ravi: “Small coffee is still coffee. Now we know root cause. Coffee + motherboard = no power. Classic case.”

Customer: “So what now?” Ravi: “Now wait for freezer. Freezer fights coffee. Fifteen minutes more.”

Customer: “It’s been 15 minutes. Taking it out. Cold as ice.”

Ravi: “Perfect! Now wrap in towel. Wrap wrap wrap. Then press power button with hope.”

Customer: “Wrapped. Pressing… nothing.” Ravi: “Hmm hmm hmm. Very very stubborn. Now advanced step. Take laptop to window. Hold high like Simba in Lion King. Shout “You shall turn on!” three times. Loudly.”

Customer: “I’m not doing that.” Ravi: “Please please. Shout method works 73% of time. Scientific. Shout shout shout.”

Customer: “No.” Ravi: “Okay okay. Then pray to Ganesh three times. Ganesh removes obstacles. Even coffee obstacles.”

Customer: “I’m not praying to an elephant god over my laptop.” Ravi: “Elephant god is very kind. He likes laptops. Please say “Om Ganeshaya Namah” three times.”

Customer: “No.” Ravi: “Okay okay. Last step. Please tell me again: is laptop still plugged in?” Customer: “Yes.” Ravi: “Confirm again: plugged in?” Customer: “Yes.” Ravi: “Now press power button 10 seconds again. Count slowly.” Customer: “Pressing… still dead.” Ravi: “Hmm. Now we must escalate. Please ship laptop to Mumbai repair center. Address on website. Write note: “Customer tried plugging, shaking, blowing, freezer, shouting, Ganesh prayer. Still dead. Coffee spill suspected. Fix fast.”

Customer: “Mumbai? You’re sending me to India?” Ravi: “Mumbai very nice. Monsoon season beautiful. Cheaper than local repair.

You save money. You thank Ravi later.”

Customer: “I’m hanging up.” Ravi: “No no no! Wait wait! One more thing. Before you go, please confirm: is charger plugged in?”

Customer: “Yes.” Ravi: “Good. Now one final reset. Unplug charger. Wait 30 seconds. No, wait 60 seconds. No, wait 90 seconds. Science changed again.”

Customer: “Ravi…” Ravi: “Please wait 90 seconds. Then plug back. Then press power. Then blow keyboard again. Then shake gently. Then put back in freezer for another 15 minutes. Then shout. Then Ganesh. Then call me back.”

Customer: “Goodbye, Ravi.” Ravi: “Thank you for calling GlobalTech Solutions! Have blessed day! If laptop still not working, please call back. I will be here. Always here. Forever on phone. Call anytime. I wait for you. Call back soon. Soon soon soon.”

Customer: “(click)” Ravi: “(softly, after click) Another satisfied customer. They always come back. Freezer method never fails… eventually. One day they understand. One day…”