From the Collection of Pat Young

Did I Really Read That Right?

“Toilet out of order: please use floor below.”

In a laundromat: “Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.”

In a London department store: “Bargain basement upstairs.”

In an office: “Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.”

In an office: “After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.”

Outside a second-hand shop: “We exchange anything — bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?”

Notice in health food shop window: “Closed due to illness.”

Spotted in a safari park: “Elephants, please stay in your car.”

Seen during a conference: “For anyone who has children and doesn’t know it, there is a day care on the first floor.”

Notice in a farmer’s field: “The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.”

Message on a leaflet: “If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.”

On a repair shop door: “We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door — the bell doesn’t work.)”

I Had it All Once

I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way. He said, “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA online. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

“Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. “No, no... I was paroled.”