1. Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

2. Theme parks can snap a crystal-clear picture of you on a roller coaster going 70 mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

3. Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers ... if you do find one, what's your plan?

4. Facial recognition software can pick a person out of a crowd but the vending machine at work can't recognize a dollar bill with a bent corner.

5. When all this pandemic stuff is over, I still plan to wear a mask. It hides the perpetual look of annoyance I have for most people.

6. Covid-19 Fact: 87% of gym members don't even know their gym was closed.

7. I never make the same mistake twice. I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

8. I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's an extra passenger who isn't wearing a seat belt.

9. Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body will get rid of cellulite. Apparently you can't do this in Starbucks. And now the cops are here.

10. Some people seem to have aged like fine wine. I aged like milk ... I got sour and chunky. 11. I still have a full deck ... I just shuffle slower.

11. I still have a full deck ... I just shuffle slower.

12. We all know Albert Einstein was a genius. But his brother Frank was a monster.