• I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. He turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?”

• Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”

“Ninety-eight,” she replied: “Two years older than me” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”